Yesterday I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Then, immediately after, I forgot how to breathe.
Let me explain.
Yesterday morning I found myself emerging from the subway at the seemingly ludicrous hour of 6.a.m! I was booked for a lovely ballet
photo-shoot in the heart of New York’s Central Park. The shoot was classically minded, placing technical ballet in front of the green backdrop scenes of
Central Park in morning light. At these early hours the park was gloriously near deserted and as equipment
and cameras were set up, the sun began to heat the park
as it’s light broke over us. I began to limber, bathing in the warmth of it all.
So began the creative process of
sharing work with Edwin Alvarado, my incredible photographer. It quickly became clear that this was
one of those incredible moments when two like minds unite in a creative working
situation. Before long, I was balancing in an arabesque on the edge of a
fountain, as Edwin leapt around me photographing each shape and silhouette.
Around halfway through our shoot a young gentleman cycled up, dismounted, and opened up an instrument
case. Without a word, only a politely acknowledging smile, he began his day of
playing the most beautiful violin playing I have heard for a very long time.
This man, unassuming and gentle, filled the space with delicate notes. It was all the
music I could ever need to feed my dancing mind and muscles. Our duo
collaboration became a trio!
Lost in music, and encouraged to just
keeping moving freely by Edwin, I started to improvise in the space, blended with
past ballet choreography as it came to me. I obligingly followed the rise and
fall of our new accomplice’s music, allowing it to flood and lead me. I stopped noticing the flash of the camera. I danced without inhibition and with fervor. I finally halted to find a crowd of curious tourists filming us! It was
honestly one of the most incredible moments of my dancing life.
After we had finished the shoot and I had
bid farewell to the wonderful Edwin, I half walked and half skipped
my way down the steps of the subway station. As I floated between stations on
my way across the city, I smiled to myself, trying to recall the moments just
passed.
I do not suffer with fear of many things,
as you might decipher from my living patterns and movements. I do not fret over
solo foreign travel or plans changing unexpectedly. I have no problem with
social situations or being entirely alone. Despite all of this I can admit that
at the age of 27, I have battled anxiety for ten years.
Why have I never written about it before?
Because I felt ashamed of it, and because I have gotten so good at
hiding it. Performers have a tendency of doing that, being able to do so
very convincingly as proven historically. Truthfully, it does not
affect me often anymore. After a period of it becoming very acute during one period of my life, it has otherwise been a controllable creature
within me for the most part. But every now and again it makes an unwelcome
appearance, boldly unfazed by my very apparent rejection of its presence.
This tale may seem confusing, and be
assured that I quite agree! It's nonsensical that such a happy and
successful morning of creative endeavor could be followed by the grip of something as destructive as a panic attack.
How do the two connect?
When I am freed to express myself I allow my
mind and body to completely let go both emotionally and artistically. This can
lead to a release of adrenaline and a cognitive liberation that can potentially
lead to feelings of anxiety and panic afterwards. Comparable to a come down
from inebriation, it can be the tiny crack in the door in my mind and body for
anxiety to throw itself through.
Anxiety is a nasty and vicious animal that sucks the energy from your body and the calm from the most settled of minds. It takes no hostages and manifests itself in varying forms and formats. But essentially, a panic attack is just a heightened or extended version of any time you have felt nervous, had a feeling of fight or flight, or a tremor of uncertainty. We have all felt this – we are human! But for some, these feelings can spiral out of control leading to a panic attack.
I have steadily worked for the past ten years to be able to harness these feelings when they start
to arise, so that I can ‘put out the light of a match rather than attempting to
put out a housefire’ as it was once described to me! I personally have chosen not to take medication for it - I want to be able
to heal myself naturally. I
acknowledge entirely that medication can be literally life saving for some. For me, my yoga experiences now have been key to relearning how to control my breathing and to clear my mind. Everyone has their path.
I really am living my happily ever after. I wake up daily to a life I could never have dreamt of having previously! For this, I am astonished and daily grateful. But nothing and no one is perfect. We all come with our idiosyncrasies and personal
stories. We are the result of our past
lives and the formulae of our futures. And long we may celebrate every story and every difference!
I have routinely looked back my times of anxiety with
feelings of shame. My own vulnerability embarrassed me. But I
feel now that my viewpoint has changed. I choose instead to feel grateful and
altogether amazed at what potential kindness lays all around us! The kindness
of strangers, and the love of the people we live alongside never ceases to amaze
me.
I am very happy! I am a dancing yoga hippy with a
passionate soul and a keen writing hand. I love eating, laughing and sharing
life with whomever I meet. But every now and then, I suffer at the hands of
anxiety. Most days, I sit cross legged atop of it, halting it from interfering
too much with my life. Yesterday? It got away from my control. But it had it’s
time. And now I sit back atop of it, ever the stronger for having defeated it
one more time.
We’re all doing our best. I know you are.
And for the days when it all gets a little breathless, one day there will be a
place of liberty and wellness, where we can work together on our lungs minds
and stories, as we work through our fights and flights.
Dedicated to anyone who has ever struggled to get the
words out, and to all those who have helped me along my way to finding mine.
H E L E N V I C T O R I A
#liberté